they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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