Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
