Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
