She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Randomize
