I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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