puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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