you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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