I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
