He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
