mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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