He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Randomize
