every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
