She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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