May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
