He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
