I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
