I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
