I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The air was thick with penises
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
