I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
