i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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