Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
