my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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