You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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