By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
