I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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