I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
