mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
My ATM looks so different sober.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
