seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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