I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
