The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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