At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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