i can't believe i had my finger in that
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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