alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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