I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
