You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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