new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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