I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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