How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
