We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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