She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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