My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
