Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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