I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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