i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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