You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
