Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
