Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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