he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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