Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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