Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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